Letting Go

    I remember being a child and always looking for opportunities to let go. I wanted to let go of a parent's hand when walking through the parking lot. I wanted to let go of the handle bars of my bike as I pedalled faster and faster down my street. I wanted to let go of the swing to see how far I could fly before finding the ground again. And eventually, I wanted to let go of childhood and race into the great unknown of adulthood. I couldn't wait to reach the next level of, well, everything. Then it happened. I no longer found the thrill in letting go. I had settled into married life and had started a family. As far as I was concerned, time could stand still for a while. I had found something worth holding on to, and nothing or no one could loosen my grip. Or so I thought.

   It might sound silly, but letting go as an adult is both thrilling and terrifying. The moment I let go of my child as they took their first steps was exciting and concerning all at the same time. I was cheering them on as I quietly scanned the room for objects that could cause head trauma if they fell down in the wrong direction. When I let go of their bicycle seat for the last time as they zoomed down the road on two wheels brought me tears of joy and tears of sadness. It was one more step toward growing up, but also another step towards not needing me. Those might sound like trivial moments of letting go, and they are in the grand scheme of things. Since then, there have been much greater and scarier seasons of letting go that God has faithfully brought me through, and realistically, there are probably many more to come.

    Like many others, we have to had let go of dreams, loved ones, stability, friends and family. We have grieved the loss of those loved ones, the loss of "normal," the loss of the way things once were, and the loss of future plans. I have even grieved the loss of my sense of control. Of all the things to grieve in life, that is not one that you think would make the list, but it did. It's funny how much we think we are in control until we aren't. 

     I never considered myself a control freak. That is, until God started bringing me into season after season of letting go. He has, and is, bringing to light the areas that I am still grasping for control in. By grasping for control, what I'm really grasping for is unsurrender. If I'm honest, there are areas that I don't fully trust Him in, nor do I want to surrender. It's in these areas where I find the darkest nights of the soul. It's where worry and doubt and fear reside. Most often when the dark corners of my heart are made known, they are usually hiding the well being of my family and the safety of my own soul. Whatever your most vulnerable parts of the heart are, there you will usually find a locked door. Naturally, God wants the key. He knows what lies behind them, and He wants to cast out all fear and angst that may be preying there. It is for our best because He loves us more than we could ever imagine, but it's still super uncomfortable and wicked annoying. 

    As we have all experienced, letting go is never easy. It requires obedience and sometimes painful sacrifice. Letting go of our loved ones, our futures, our jobs, our families, our homes, our lives, and our dreams demands that we let go of control. In the present season, God is moving our family to a different state, a different city, a different job, and a different home. This wasn't in the plans. At least, it wasn't in ours. Once again I am faced with surrendering the darkest corners of my soul. I am faced with the matter of trust. Do I trust the Lord with our lives? Do I trust Him enough with my children's lives? What about the emotions that will arise in their hearts? Do I trust Him with those too? I want to say an immediate "yes" to all of those questions, but I can't. I am checking off the boxes as He continues to work daily on my heart. Then just when I can check all the boxes, seasons will change and we will start over. That's just how it goes. He loves us enough not to leave us where, or as, we are. 

    We all are letting go of something. Some of us are moving, or walking through disease, or transitioning out of early motherhood, or maybe entering into older age. All of these are entirely different seasons, but we all have one thing in common -  we are all letting go of life as we know it. The future is uncertain, and that alone can be scary. But there is one thing I can promise you. You are not alone. God has gone before you and will be with you every step of the way. He is faithful and will never leave your side. There is hope because He is our hope. There will be joy once again because He is our joy. So open your hand and let go. He's got you. And He's got whoever and whatever you've been holding onto also. 

Until next time...